It all started when I was a little girl, that moment where I learned to shape, shift, and mold myself into what others wanted me to be or what I felt I needed to be in order for them to like me. I found my way into being a chameleon. I was able to transition into whatever the situation or event called for. I was desperately seeking approval from my friends who would inevitably leave me later down the road. Who was I, Who was I portraying, would I recognize me if I got lost again?
By Now you probably have guessed my number one trigger: Rejection & Acceptance
We all have that trigger: I call mine the 3,000 year old RedWood Root that will take a lifetime to heal.
Yep, no one is immune to the deep rooted triggers that we all have. I found myself at a crossroads a few years back in several situations that would challenge my 3,000 year old Redwood Root to its core. I spent a lot of time building a community to only see it get challenged by the very people that helped me build it. At the time I was hurt, heartbroken, upset, frustrated, and angry. I logically knew that I was emotionally attaching myself to something that was outside of my control but I like most people attached myself to it anyway. Cue in the derailing train. Ping, here comes the trigger and I am a 32 year old being thrusted back into a teenager again.
Thats the thing about any form of trauma, hurt feelings, challenges, suffering, we will all go through it at one point or another and it will impact everyone differently. I found myself being challenged by these impending decisions and there was a part of me that could have stayed in that turmoil for it was comfortable, and I knew that comfort all too well. I used to think that sitting in that comfort of chaos would benefit me or at the very least make me have worth. That is what I realized, it was never about the events or situations that took place it was about me not running from my own worth and realizing that my worth would never reside in others. I had built my worth up a long time ago but I was still running from the little girl from a broken home.
I had to expand my thinking, get out of my own way, acknowledge the hurt I may have caused and acknowledge the hurt others had caused me. I would never heal if I was planning to hold on to that role that I needed to play all those years. I had to dig deep and see that everything I had ever done, failed at, accomplished, suffered from, triumphed over would be a reflection of my own healing and that I didn’t need that role any longer. I was finally free! Free to make my own decisions without baggage attached! Free to build friendships not based on emotional reactivity but ones out of respect and communication! Free to be who I am becoming now! Expansive Thinking is where I found who I am. Who I am is me!
We are all a work in progress and radical transparency brought me to mine. There was no hiding in the truth.
Many Blessings
Candace